Scattered Thoughts about Egypt

Hours turned to days, then days now to weeks. I sat by watching, my mind eager to SNATCH any new breakthroughs or information. My energy went from being fully devoted to listening to the stories from the front lines, to feeling weary and almost wishing the entire situation would just end.

I've had trouble eating and sleeping, and have obsessively spent my time flipping between CNN and BBC, to getting live streams of Al Jazeera online. It borders on hysteria.

I've Youtubed the same videos over and over, marched with hundreds of Torontonians for 2 Saturdays in a row, and have relentlessly pounded my cousin with questions about what its REALLY like down there.
I've engaged in debates, explained what was happening to anybody who will listen, and brushed up on historical accounts of the power struggle that has ailed my country for decades.

I'm tired.
The other day, I scolded myself for feeling this way. I thought "What on earth gives YOU the right to feel weary and over-informed when these heroes are out there on the streets, determined to find an end that can satisfy them?!?"

But am I really wrong for needing a break from all this overexposure? Have I betrayed my country and fellow Egyptians every time I've given a half-assed answer to people's questions in order to avoid launching into a full conversation?
----

I'm at the point where I can look back at the full range of emotions and ideas I've had since January 25, and almost pinpoint the days when my attitude went from an excited, curious, hopeful observer, to a weary, almost paranoid bystander who got sucked into a dramatic scenario unwillingly.
I remember feeling, albeit selfishly, PROUD and EXCITED that my country was making headline news. For once in my 21 years in Toronto, people recognized the flag on my bag. For once, I could head downtown and find hundreds of other supporters of the Egyptian people, speaking my language, sharing my vision for the future of our homeland.
And I ate it right up. I stayed glued to CNN, collected any newspaper headlines (most, making front-page) about Egypt, and shared videos via my page.

It wasn't until the 5th or so day that I began questioning the over-saturated coverage. WHY was CNN (which has, in the process, became the manifested representation of Americans for me) so deliberately covering every nuance and detail of the unfolding "crisis" as they put it? WHY could I now pick up any newspaper, conservative or mainstream, and see the word "dictator" beside Hosni Mubarak's name?
I've always been a firm believer in a lot of conspiracy theories. But with the relentless, almost "Big-Brother"-like involvement of the US in everything that has transpired since the fateful day in January, I've taken an unhealthy approach to the apparent American conspiracy being played out in front of us.

How could people be sooo eager to listen to Obama's statements about Mubarak and the protestors, when Mubarak himself (the man at the centre of this drama) hadn't even made an attempt to comment. How could American diplomats and Israeli power-houses continue to taint the mainstream opinion- to demonize the protestors and insist that Mubarak is a pillar of stability in the region.
Could millions of people- some on the streets, some unable to go public with their feelings after experiencing a brutally repressive regime for decades- be wrong?
Are Egyptians, Arabs, Middle-Easterners- are they all too stupid to choose who they would like to represent their state? Is the right to self-determination reserved for Western countries whose political representatives are nothing but mere puppets of the same system?
Is it really a crime to demand that your country undergo a period of restoration?

I've absorbed CNN with an almost sadistic pleasure. I hate the way they make us look on TV. I resent the images of people fighting off men on horseback, burning pictures and flags- this is merely a snapshot of a situation that the rest of the world wants to dismiss as black-and-white, ignoring the multi-faceted colours emerging with every new image, testimony, story of a protestor's disappearance, or minute "change" in the government. These all help tell the story of a country, a people, torn between the lives they have come to know and the unpredictable, intimidating change that "threatens" to swoop in.
But I love seeing my country on there...