Dawn Thoughts

As I lay here tossing and turning, the minutes seem to move agonizingly slow to the desired "wake-up" time. I cannot stop thinking and with every futile attempt I make at counting sheep, my mind just resists back; the innocent sheep are mere characters in my real life, slowly morphing into my family and friends' faces...
This hotel bed is hella comfier than mine back home, we smoked a big enough zoot to put me right to sleep, and this combined with the glasses of rosé and my recent schedule changes should mean I'm in a deep sleep. Except I'm not. I'm sitting here finding solace on my Mac. Because I'm troubled.


I'm troubled by my worries for the future, I'm troubled by my recent heavy reliance on Mary Jane, I'm troubled by the fleeting relationship I seem to be having with mom and dad, and I'm troubled by my overall wishes to just check-out of this point of my life and just move on.


I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned by the world surrounding me. The same comforting ambitions I had of finishing school, starting my career, and adding a home/family/RRSP to the criteria of living a "happy, 21st-century life" no longer make me happy at all. I seem to be more and more skeptical of everything as the days pass, and somehow being cycled back into the system that is the source of all this disillusionment doesn't seem quite as fitting as it used to.


I'm frustrated by change. This, coming from someone who updates her list of friends and boys as often as she updates her seasonal wardrobes, who redoes her room on a whim, and who adores burgers one day and then starts a "no-beef" diet the next, is a little alarming. I mean, I believe in the importance of change and I do realize that it is crucial to the start of any journey, but can't the world just stop changing for a second and let me finish metamorphosing?
In the midst of all this change I find myself questioning myself, questioning the roles other people play in my life, questioning decisions I've made and failed to make and questioning what all of these-all of this- really even mean...


Its so easy to let shit happen around you. It's easy to slip under the veil of mediocracy and keep living life. Hell, it's easy to simply accept life.
But since when was the easy way the fun, memorable, lesson-teaching way?